In the Internet age, conspiracy theories are so widespread that when someone says the Moon landing was faked by lizard people who killed Princess Diana on September 11, we don’t even argue anymore. But there are some theories that never quite caught on. Hidden away on the Net are theories so crazy that they even made the lizard people–truthers a little skeptical.
Featured image credit: B Rosen
10Adam Sandler Can Predict The Future
Photo credit: Gawker
Two years ago, The Onion’s site Clickhole posted an article called “5 Tragedies Weirdly Predicted By Adam Sandler.” It was a joke, of course, but some people took it seriously.
People went to Twitter and Facebook to gasp about the story, most of them strangely not even that surprised at a ‘90s comedian’s mystical clairvoyance. One particularly blase reader tweeted, “Adam Sandler Is An Oracle Of Sorts Who Can Predict The Future,” before letting out a confident, “I Always Knew This Sumhow.”
White supremacists really took it to heart. On their forums, they chalked this up as another nail in the coffin of the great Jewish conspiracy. “All the Jews know what the schedule is,” they wrote, taking a smug sense of self-confidence in an ideology backed by The Onion’s articles.
9The Moon Is Not Real
A lot of people have suggested the Moon landing was faked, but David Icke takes it one step further. He doesn’t think the Moon was ever really there in the first place.
Icke’s theory mostly comes from a quote from Irwin Shapiro, who jokingly said about the Moon’s strange size: “The best explanation for the Moon is observational error—the Moon doesn’t exist.”
In a slightly rambling post, Icke used that comment to argue that the Moon is a “control system that is manipulating our sense of reality to make us the slave race of those who are doing it.” It’s sort of like a conspiracy theory version of the allegory of the cave. He believes that all our perception is a man-made hologram to keep us from knowing the truth.
8Obama Can Control The Weather
There’s not a lot you can’t blame on Obama if you try hard enough. Case in point, when Oklahoma was hit by a tornado in 2013, radio host Alex Jones told his listeners that this storm was likely caused by a “weather weapon” sent off by the president. This quickly spread throughout conspiracy theorist websites, who built it up as an evil Democratic plot to distract attention from Benghazi.
Some people even declared that there had been no storm at all. According to one theorist, every dead body was planted there to make the conspiracy theorists look stupid.
So if you ever meet somebody who claims they lost a loved one to a natural disaster, just give them a hard stare and say, “You can’t fool me, Obama.” Otherwise, you just risk looking stupid.
7Germany Is A Corporation
Photo credit: German GmbH
Germany has a reputation as an “efficient” country, but this one takes it a bit far. According to a German conspiracy theory website, the nation was reunited not as a country but as a registered limited liability corporation.
Supposedly, the Federal Republic of Germany was registered as a corporation in the courts of Frankfurt in 1990. The website claims that German identity cards are actually employee ID numbers—which they support by pointing out how they’re called “identity cards” and that’s kind of a weird name.
It’s not entirely clear what the implications of Germany being a corporation would be, but the website does say that all German laws are really just a “terms and conditions” agreement. So maybe Germans who don’t check the box can do whatever they want?
6Saddam Hussein Had A Stargate
There are a lot of different theories about the Iraq War. Some people think it was a war for oil; others say 9/11 was faked to justify it. Dr. Michael Salla, though, thinks America wanted something else: Iraq’s stargate.
Stargates, of course, are highly sophisticated pieces of technology that were made up for a Kurt Russell movie. According to Salla, not only was the movie real, but Iraq had a stargate in their possession. Salla believes that Hussein was the reincarnation of Nebuchadnezzar and that when Nibiru was closest to the Earth, the Anunnaki set up encampment in Iraq. Yeah, we don’t know what any of that means, either.
The part that we do understand is that, according to Salla, US soldiers invaded Iraq and shut down the stargate to keep Sumerian gods from invading the Earth. The Iraq War was never about oil.
5Snow In Georgia Is Poisonous
People in Georgia don’t get a lot of snow. When they do, they don’t quite know how to deal with it. Sometimes, they don’t quite understand what it is. For example, there was the time they decided it was a poisonous chemical dropped on them by the government.
Residents of Georgia overcome by the slight patter of snow took to YouTube with videos of them trying to set it on fire and being disappointed with the results. They took lighters to the snow and showed how black ash was left on it, as though this was conclusive evidence that this strange white substance from the sky was anything but natural.
However, other people managed to prove that the black spots were just the result of having the lighter too close, and hysteria died down as the snow melted.
4Siri Opened The Gates Of Hades
Photo credit: Revelation Now
Apple’s Siri program can give some weird responses, but none provoked quite the reaction that this one did. One user asked his iPhone what would happen on July 27, 2014. It would be a Sunday, Siri informed him, and they would be opening the gates of Hades.
Rather than a built-in joke, this was apparently a technical glitch caused by Siri misreading a Chinese holiday. Some people took it seriously, though. Infowars announced that this was the fulfillment of a biblical prophecy and that Apple somehow knew when the apocalypse was going to come.
July 27, 2014, has come and gone, and the gates of Hades don’t appear to have opened. But we shouldn’t be too quick to discredit Siri’s prophetic abilities. After all, July 27 was a Sunday.
3The Large Hadron Collider Is Meant To Summon Osiris
Photo credit: Mission Galactic Freedom
The Large Hadron Collider (LHC) is a major scientific breakthrough but a very complicated one. It can be hard for a layman to understand exactly what the scientists are trying to accomplish. Fortunately, one person on the Internet has explained it in simple English: They’re trying to summon the Egyptian god Osiris.
The theory starts by showing an ancient Egyptian picture of a boat and saying that it’s “common sense” that the boat is really an interdimensional portal to the land of the dead. It points out that wormholes sort of look like boats and that when you squint your eyes really tightly, the LHC kind of looks like Shiva.
Most of this theory’s support relies on squinting really hard and accepting that some things kind of look like other things. Then again, the science behind the LHC is pretty complicated, so accepting that it’s a portal to the netherworld does seem a lot easier than trying to understand what it’s really used for.
2The Ice Bucket Challenge Is An Antichrist Plot
Photo credit: eonline.com
The Ice Bucket Challenge was one of the most successful viral campaigns in history. By getting people to pour water on their heads, this challenge raised $115 million to support families affected by amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS). Or, if the Internet is to believed, “Antichrist Lucifer Satan.”
According to some people on YouTube, the disease is all a front so that celebrities who run the Illuminati can finally openly go on TV to do something in the name of “ALS.” According to this theory, every time a celebrity says they support “ALS,” they’re basically saying, “Hail Satan.”
1Saved By The Bell Was Created By The Illuminati
Photo credit: Illuminati Watcher
Saved by the Bell seemed like an innocuous show about good-looking teens who learn about love and friendship at their local high school. But according to one theory, it’s all an elaborate Illuminati brainwashing tool to introduce children to satanic ceremonies.
The argument starts by asking you to accept that the actor who played “Zack” was secretly Paul Walker. From there, it’s a simple matter of accepting that the theme song is filled with subliminal messages that teach children how to make satanic sacrifices. Paul Walker, of course, was secretly murdered in a faked car accident to keep him from revealing the truth about Saved by the Bell.
It might all sound far-fetched, but as the website points out, there was a triangle in the background of one scene. And, after all, why would a show briefly feature a triangle at one point in its four-year run if not to convert our children to satanism?
By: Ahmad Alomda
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